Andrew's America, part two

As we discussed last time, American cinema is one of the many things Americans have to be proud of. Another is racism. Only the greatest nation in the world could do so well to put an end to racism. Sure, we made mistakes as a country in the past (we were teenagers and everyone was doing it!), but by now we've certainly righted the ship. And I guess there may still be a few chinks in the hull (ha, chinks.... like Asian people.... I can say that because we aren't racist here), but we are not so proud that we cannot admit to them. Or I should say, had some chinks in the hull, because those chinks all went away with the release of Academy Award winning film, Crash. In what other country than the greatest best country God has ever given man on the face of the earth could we address such a huge, looming problem with a single movie, and then that movie solves the problem and then we give the movie an award because we are sooooo self aware it's not even funny (however, chinks in the hull is still hilarious, as well as being not racist).

Crash is an awesome movie for lots of reasons. I won't even get into its dramatic moments, because what more can be said, I mean, when the guy thought he shot the little girl and the sad music started playing, but then I was like, oh my god, she bought her dad blanks, man if we all did that do our crazy gun wielding uncles there would be no more crime, and that guy was a crazy terrorist, oh no wait, we aren't racist any more he is just a guy who was in a bad situation, and now everyone knows that because we aren't racist anymore because Crash came out and that's why I'm writing this blog. Yeah. So in short, the movie was super great because the music made me feel really sad because the stuff that was happening was really sad but then it was uplifting and happy sort of too in the end and that was happy and super great. So good drama, and you might think by my last post that I only like explosions (I do like explosions and there was even a great one in this movie but I don't want to spoil it too much!), but I also like good drama.

So along with good drama Crash was also very important because taught us that racism is bad and we can solve it! That is a good message! What Crash is basically saying is if we are all just a little more understanding and if we help black people out of burning cars (even if those black people don't like us and were uppity to us once) then the racism will go away (whoops, belated spoiler alert) (No I take the spoiler alert back if you haven't seen this movie I will just assume that you suck and are America's last racist.) (And racist people suck!) (I'm not going to worry about spoilers anymore to spite the racists, they deserve it! hahahaha). Or if we take a bunch of Asian people who were shipped overseas in a crate and release them in chinatown rather than killing them (didn't you think the black guy was going to kill the asian people? I did, but I can't put my finger on why!) then racism will go away. Or if we... wait, what happened with the lady from the speed movies? Did she die in Crash and never get a chance to apologize for getting the lady fired wrongfully? This is so embarrassing that I forgot about what happened with that part of the movie, but it's okay, because I'm not racist anymore so the movie did its job for me (bubblegum tears!).

So Crash showed America that it just had to do a few things right and bingo! racism would be gone. And guess what? WE DID IT!!!!!!!! Hooray! We stopped calling black people niggers (to their face) and we also told black people that they can't use that word in any situation either because it's always a dirty word when you say nigger while you're by black people, so of course it's dirty if you are black because it's by definition said by a black person. So we started by getting rid of racism like that. And also we made sure that policemen didn't leave black people in cars that were about to explode (BOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahaha that was the best scene ever!), and that's how we solved racism. Some people say we haven't solved racism because black people still have a hard life, but that's not racism's fault obviously. First, because racism is gone since we don't call blacks niggers anymore, and second it's because any blacks that are doing bad are doing bad because of their culture. I mean, if a black man can be elected to lose to John McCain how can you say we have racism? We stopped calling them niggers and leaving them in burning cars, now it's up to them to meet us half way and change their culture and be more like white people. And let's not worry about the crappy black schools, or media representation, or welfare policy, or health care policies, or any of that stuff because we made a movie called Crash that ended all that, so we are the greatest best country god has ever given man on the face of the earth. And Crash won an Academy Award. Because we are a self aware greatest best country god has ever given man on the face of the earth, who also doesn't have racism.

The End, God Bless America.